2012. május 31., csütörtök

What is the past tense of dream

 I originally wanted to title this post "A dream come true", but after the spell checker said dreamt is not an actual word (lol? native English speakers please confirm), I googled "what is the past tense of dream" - and it sounds way cooler. So here we go...:)

Now that after the hottest month of my poker playing life ever I can hesitantly say that I probably am settled at 5/T (mixed with 3/6, occasionally 2/4), that was one of my dream for a long time. I definitely think that was the dream that took the most time to achieve, and (once again, probably) here I am, at the edge of being a full-time 5/T player (even though I hate it when people say I'm a X/Y player - I just mean the highest stakes I'm willing to play regularly).

You know, everybody has to have dreams in poker I think. Without these goals, that you don't even know if you'll achieve or not, you just play without purpose and motivation. Of course it's not necessarily a higher limit, or something, but still something you can measure yourself to. I remember back when I was grinding .02/.04 and .05/.1 I was thinking how cool it would be to play on .25/.5 - and when I got there, it felt like I was a really good player to achieve that. And, to be honest, I was given the circumstances and what 'good player' means at those stakes. Then the next dream-step for me was playing 1/2, the gate of small stakes games, playing for dollars instead of cents. My first shots to 1/2 took place around early 2011 (I started playing LHE in February 2010 with $14 as my total bankroll, deciding I'll never ever deposit if I go bust). From there my only goal was to move up to 5/T. 1.5 years later here I am, playing the stakes I dreamt of for so long.

But the way to get here was not even close to clear. At February 2012 I went to Gibraltar to have my first ever job at PokerStrategy as Hungarian Community Manager. It was a really big setback for my game, I could hardly play after work, since I was tired and exhausted, and there were better things to do at the time. However in ~5 months time after being close to scoop the SCOOP FL event, and final tabling on some MSOP events, I was ready to leave work, come home and be a full time pro on 3/6, and maybe even higher until...

I was awfully tired in the morning going to work, as I was playing until 4AM in the morning getting 3rd place in the MSOP Triple Draw event. But however tired I was, I was happy - and not just because of my 3rd place finish, and the chance to move up to 5/T, but because I gave my boss the resignation letter the day before, I would see my girlfriend first time in 3 months and going home with her to leave the whole shit behind and start a poker carrier. I was walking into our office with a smile and the idea of telling my colleagues my 3rd place finish, but instead of it I heard the news. Full Tilt Poker shut down. The place where more than half of my bankroll was, and some of my stakers' money too, shut down.

I came home in August 2011 still being shocked by the news and by losing... khmm... half of my bankroll being frozen. I think I had a borderline bankroll for 2/4, but decided to start from 1/2, so that I could rebuild my game after the long break, and to get my confidence back. Honestly I ran pretty good for a while, being able to play (or at least take shots at) 3/6 again. If someone would've told me what was coming, I'd just straight up laugh at his face and ask him for a good HU battle.

But it came. Exactly at the time when it hurt the most - when I got my confidence back and felt I was playing well. Not to cry over it that much: I lost around 1100BB in the next 5 months. Although that might sound like a lot, part of it was because I moved to high rake networks with rakeback, so after rakeback it's 'just' around 450-500BB, but still. I was playing 1/2 at the end, and basically wrecked by that downswing. At some point, I was like if I have to step back another limit I just quit poker or something. The only thing that kept the hope living is that neither me nor fat better players than me couldn't find any huge leaks in my game, but after ~800BBs it's pretty hard to accept that there's nothing wrong, "it's just variance". Still, kept on playing, because somewhere deep I must have known that I'm better than most, and - at least in theory - I can beat the games.

If someone would've told me what was coming, I'd just straight up laugh at his face and tell him/her to fuck off. And now, just 3 months after the deepest point, I'm here. Living the dream. Playing the stakes I thought I may never play. And slowly realizing it is a great feeling - I fear I still can't believe it, but I made sure that this wouldn't effect my game. (It's funny, during today's session playing 3 tables I asked myself what stakes I'm playing at that moment, and I couldn't answer without looking at the tables.:) - They were all 5/T tables.)

And it all wouldn't have been possible without... but really, no kidding, it literally wouldn't have been possible! Without 3 people in my life, who are one by one made miracles in my poker game and in my life as well: Toma, who has been there for me when I was at the real bottom, and still being patient, help me to get through it, analyzing my play, and... just being there. Hood, my coach, who built my confidence from the absolute bottom to the healthy level (or maybe even a bit over healthy:P), and fixed ALL the leaks in my game, and showed me his approach to poker: keeping a balance between grinding and being a solid player. And last, but for sure not even close to the fucking least my girlfriend, who has always been there for me when I was down, and who gave me as much love as I could never imagine I could get from someone, and just accepting me for who I am, and... and for existing really.:) Thank you all!!!

Ok, so that's it, I'm not gonna be this emotional for a very long time now, so don't worry. Will go back to math and analysis instead of emotions and whining.:)

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